There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
