apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
