i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
