God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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