3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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