People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My orgasm happened in two different decades
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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