I want to stick my p in your. b.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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