I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
