Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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