He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
