I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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