I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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