so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
