i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
