i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You pole danced in your parka.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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