Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
