I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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