I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
false alarm, still single
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
