she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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