Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
