i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
