I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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