whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
