Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
