I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
