You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
