the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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