I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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