how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
