I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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