eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
