I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
