Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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