I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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