am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
