"it" just moved
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize