if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was confusing and full of hummus
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
