Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
