Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
