all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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