My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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