my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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