My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
