I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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