my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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