Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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