Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize