You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
