Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
