I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
