she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Welp...herpes.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
