mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
