How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
