ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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