she woke up with a sticky ear
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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