just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize