apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
