Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
