if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She bit a glass in half.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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