Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We left the knife in your bed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
