you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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