Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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