Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
