Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He? As in you personified your dick?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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