You're my little dorito
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Randomize
