sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
