Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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