I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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