I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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