I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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