Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
