I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
